Log in

No account? Create an account
14 August 2013 @ 08:19 pm
My birthday was on Sunday, it wasn't terrible and it wasn't great.. Overall it was pretty much just meh. It didn't feel like my birthday, I knew that it was and I baked the cake myself (tastes awesome by the way) but, despite all the birthday messages and such, I don't know it sucked basically.

I sat up until midnight, knowing that mum likes to tell me happy birthday at dead on twelve only.. This year that didn't happen. She was sat right across from me and I didn't get anything. Okay, not a big deal I suppose, she'll do it later. That was when she decided to go to bed, 'feeling sick' (read, drinking) and I still didn't get a happy birthday from her.

Fast forward eight hours and I wake up, still no happy birthday.. I got one from several celebrities but not my own mother!

All day, I sat around, trying not to be upset because of it but my own mother didn't wish me a happy birthday. It sucks, to be honest.

Anyway, since my birthday I've been doing a lot of thinking, I want to go back to college, do something productive with my life instead of sitting around on my ass wishing I'd dome something already. Music seems to be the way I want to go this time, no more science.. I can't deal with it anymore and if I'm honest with myself, I always preferred music over anything else. I only chose science because I knew it was what mum wanted me to do and I ran with it.

Mum's not happy with my choice, wanting me to do my a levels again and I refuse, I can't sit through another two years of it, feeling horrible about myself because I know I'm not as good as everyone else in the class while I'm the oldest by far.

College is going to have to wait though, I'm moving in with my best friend in february so there's no point in enrolling next month if I have to up and move a few months later. I'm hell bent on taking some kind of lessons before then and trying to get the fuck over my stage fright. I've been doing karaoke in pubs, singing to a load of strangers is still terrifying but each time I do it I feel a little better about myself, I'm hoping that keeps improving until it's not there any more.

In short, I've been twenty for 4 days and despite having been at a loss as to what to do for over a year.. I finally worked out what I want to do and on top of that I feel good about myself. I have new clothes, new hair and I feel like a brand new me. It's amazing.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
25 August 2012 @ 12:06 am
A batch of icons of the amazingly dorky Riker Lynch <36
[1-15] Various Photoshoots
[16-27] Instagram Pictures
[28-35] Personal/Fan pics
[36] Bonus Rikurt

Just remember to smile smile smile~Collapse )

Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
24 August 2012 @ 10:55 pm
A batch of Icons of the most inspirational man in the world, Curtis Mega with bonus Rikurt and MegaWhalen at the end.
[1-15] Curt Mega
[16-18] Rikurt
[19-20] MegaWhalen


You are loved~Collapse )

Current Mood: happyhappy
18 August 2012 @ 06:37 pm
Why is it that I ignore a person for over a week and she knows full fucking well what she's done to piss me off. And yet she tweets me, she messages my personal tumblr, she messages my rp accounts, she's in multiple chatzys being all passive agressve with me and she fucking skypes me. I am ignoring you. Get that into your head for gods sake! I am not amused by you or your behaviour. if you can't find me anywhere, just leave me alone! Than to top it off, I post a gif set on tumblr and she replies to it, asking me yo talk to her. I can't say it enough times. I'm ignoring you. Fuck off.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
07 August 2012 @ 12:29 am
Life's not a Song
By Louisa B
August 7th, 2012

So many moments of despair,
All you give is a whithering glare,
My every thought and opinion,
Shot down as though there's nothing in them,
It hurts so much that you can't see,
How much this pain is killing me.

But now I feel it's time to leave,
I can't help but need some space to breathe,
Always take and never give,
This is no way for me to live,
Now's the moment to say goodbye,
You give nothing but a judgemental sigh.

I wish you'd show me that you care,
What does it matter? You're never there,
My heart's left shattered on the floor,
with a fleeting glance, I'm out the door,
I wish I knew what I'd done wrong,
You know what they say; Life's not a song.

Poem © Louisa B. Published August 7th, 2012
03 August 2012 @ 07:46 am
“A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform. She had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stamp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty is was. She then told them to tell it that they were sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all of the scars they left behind. And that those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bullies another child. They may say they’re sorry, but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.” -Unknown source but true story. 
16 July 2012 @ 10:58 pm
my mother's broken my mental health. there's a legitimate mental health problem caused by being a kid who's grown up with an alcohol dependent parent and I seriously think that I have it.. I can't deal with being in the house any more but I can't get out. I keep trying but there's no-where to go. She yells at me for doing nothing and when I try to do something I get yelled at more. My family is broken and it's because of her. I can't function half of the time any more. I have no idea what the hell I feel half of the time. Randomly crying at things that aren't even sad but I'm too scared to bring it up to anyone in case they either call me mental or tell me it's nothing and they can't help me. I've been told to get counselling but I can't tell a stranger about all of the ways my mum's drinking has affected and the way my life has ended up. She screams at me for not going to college but I'm 100% sure I've failed so what's the point in going back to start next year's work until I know what my results are? I turned up to the first two weeks and didn't see the fucking point in it at all. If I've failed, I've fucked up my life and can't try again until I have the money for tuition which I don't. So I'm ending up the way she is even though that's the one thing I never ever wanted my life to end. I just need out of here before she poisons my life any more. Just being around her makes me sick. She shoots down all of my opinions without even hearing them out. Like I suggested we try out being veggies for like a week and she gave me a dirty look and told me to stop being fucking stupid. I hate to say it but she's the stupid one not me.
Current Mood: sadsad
23 April 2012 @ 10:55 pm
Was I like, evil in a past life or something? My entire world is falling apart around me and I have literally just realised just how bad it is. 

My entire family is passive aggressive, as well as aggressive anyway. My baby brother who I stuck up for my entire life and has just basically spat on me the whole time. He calls me homophobic names, insults me in front of his friends and has even started calling me racist things and I sit and take this. Mum says lashing out doesn't help and just makes it worse. what about my feelings, don't they count or something? Am I supposed to turn off the fact that I'm a fucking human because you don't want Luke to have his feelings hurt? I'm sick of it, this entire environment is poisonous to me. My aunt has said a few backhanded supposed jokes about my weight etc, i'm at my slimmest in 5 years and I love it but i'm still getting called fat and lard-arse by her and it hurts so much but i can't say anything about it in case she gets pissed off about it.  So I sit and take it all, letting it bubble under the surface.

I hate where I am right now, the house I'm in and the people I live with and near. I need to get out of here before I go insane, mum's fucking drinking again even though she said she was stopping for good. I should have known after the third relapse that she was bullshitting but I hope for the best in people then they shit on me. I'm outta here as soon as my A levels are over, moving as far away as possible, if that means Plymouth or Edinburgh, I don't care I just need to be gone. The only thing is, I'm doing that thing where I start to sabotage my own life for my mothers and this is my last chance for an education, i don't have the money to pay for my own tuition and i can't afford to get a loan. I have three weeks until my exams start and i can't be bothered to even try and study for them. I care if i fail or not but i can't do the work. I have kids and skanky people in and out of my house all day every day, how am I supposed to do anything with so much noise around? 

I just want someone to love me, yeah, I said it. I don't even care anymore. I feel like there's no-one there for me, I see people who have their 'rocks' people they couldn't live without who are there for them to lean on and to love them as much as they are loved in return and I'm sitting here all by myself sick of the leers and shouts I get out of car windows. (these are now starting to become racist comments, I'm sure of it) I'm a person, can't I meet someone for me? just this once..

I think that I've started sleep walking or something. Something from my room has gone missing and I have literally no idea where it could have gone. Mum and luke swear they haven't moved it an no-one else knew about it so yeah.. The more convincing thing is that mum says I put the kitchen scissors in her room one night but I have no memory of doing or saying anything she says i did. I'm way more stressed than I need to be right now and it's leaking into my dreams. I'm having nightmares about things that happened years ago and I just want to forget them. that was the whole point but they keep coming back, nagging at me to remember them when I really don't want to, I don't need this with exams so close. I can't sleep out of fear of what I'll remember but if I don't I can't work at school. I just want to be a fucking person for once. Not someone with so much baggage who's starting to go a little insane with all the emotions I'm bottling up. So yes i explode at stupid things that really aren't as major as I make them sound but it feels like that by the time I explode.

I just want to be normal, have a family, have a love life, have a home.. Be a person and not someone to project onto whenever you feel the need to.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
13 April 2012 @ 10:50 pm
Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about the people I have in my life to look up to and it occurred to me that I have only two people and don't get me wrong, they're the most amazing people in the world. And it almost kills me to think that they obviously do not know me being celebrities and all. Of course I'm talking about Naya Rivera and Darren Criss.

Naya has taught me that you can be from any ethnic background and it doesn't limit where you can go in whatever you want to do. Nay is from three different backgrounds and she's a worldwide star, has an amazing talent and is just perfect in every way. she's realistic and quite obviously down to earth. She supports LGBT and is anti-bullying, she's all about people having equal rights and that everyone should be an equal in this world. Add the fact that she's hot and a left-hander and she's just.. I can't even think of a word.

But yeah, Naya is more of a minor idol to me when you consider the things Darren represents;

Darren Everett Criss is the single most amazing and inspiring person I could ever have stumbled upon by accident; Darren came from nothing and made a living out of something he has always loved doing. He grew up in a very open lgbt background and even though he is straight, he just wants everyone to be themselves and what makes them happy; "Gay, straight, purple, orange, dinosaur. That which makes you different is what makes you strong."

Darren has always been himself, from Starkid to Glee, he's a self proclaimed "quirky weirdo" and that's one of the things that makes him such a good role model. He writes his owns songs, regularly forgets his own lyrics due to his nervousness on stage which shows his fans that he's still a human even though he's made it. 

I wish I had as much confidence as Naya and Darren, I never had the guts to get up on a stage and perform once I saw that there were people who may not have been better than me but definitely showed off a lot more. I've always been a wallflower, only speaking out when needed but I couldn't ever find my voice for something I've always loved doing. I've been singing for literally as long as I can remember, like I can remember singing along to the spice girls and musicals when I was three. I never showed off my voice to anyone, people only ever hear me singing when I'm drunk or singing to myself. I've had several people tell me I should apply for x factor or BgT but I do not have anywhere near the confidence to do that and I hate people who talk down to me so any bad comments would send me into tears. I'd love to do like a karaoke night or something like that in a pub but I would never go on my own out of stage fright. Darren himself performed in cafes and places like that for years and still does impromptu gigs in L.A. I've always wanted to do what I'm studying at college but I would love to sing some more. I don't even know if I'm actually any good or if people are just being nice to me when they really think that I suck. I've posted a few songs on my tumblr but even thought I've had some nice comments and stuff I still lack the confidence to accept it. 

I'm trying to take a leaf out of Naya and Darren's books and be more confident about myself but coming from my background, it's hardly a surprise that it's going to take forever if it even happens at all.
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
but if I do I'll either cry or look like a loony person soo...