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23 April 2012 @ 10:55 pm
Is there something wrong with me?  
Was I like, evil in a past life or something? My entire world is falling apart around me and I have literally just realised just how bad it is. 

My entire family is passive aggressive, as well as aggressive anyway. My baby brother who I stuck up for my entire life and has just basically spat on me the whole time. He calls me homophobic names, insults me in front of his friends and has even started calling me racist things and I sit and take this. Mum says lashing out doesn't help and just makes it worse. what about my feelings, don't they count or something? Am I supposed to turn off the fact that I'm a fucking human because you don't want Luke to have his feelings hurt? I'm sick of it, this entire environment is poisonous to me. My aunt has said a few backhanded supposed jokes about my weight etc, i'm at my slimmest in 5 years and I love it but i'm still getting called fat and lard-arse by her and it hurts so much but i can't say anything about it in case she gets pissed off about it.  So I sit and take it all, letting it bubble under the surface.

I hate where I am right now, the house I'm in and the people I live with and near. I need to get out of here before I go insane, mum's fucking drinking again even though she said she was stopping for good. I should have known after the third relapse that she was bullshitting but I hope for the best in people then they shit on me. I'm outta here as soon as my A levels are over, moving as far away as possible, if that means Plymouth or Edinburgh, I don't care I just need to be gone. The only thing is, I'm doing that thing where I start to sabotage my own life for my mothers and this is my last chance for an education, i don't have the money to pay for my own tuition and i can't afford to get a loan. I have three weeks until my exams start and i can't be bothered to even try and study for them. I care if i fail or not but i can't do the work. I have kids and skanky people in and out of my house all day every day, how am I supposed to do anything with so much noise around? 

I just want someone to love me, yeah, I said it. I don't even care anymore. I feel like there's no-one there for me, I see people who have their 'rocks' people they couldn't live without who are there for them to lean on and to love them as much as they are loved in return and I'm sitting here all by myself sick of the leers and shouts I get out of car windows. (these are now starting to become racist comments, I'm sure of it) I'm a person, can't I meet someone for me? just this once..

I think that I've started sleep walking or something. Something from my room has gone missing and I have literally no idea where it could have gone. Mum and luke swear they haven't moved it an no-one else knew about it so yeah.. The more convincing thing is that mum says I put the kitchen scissors in her room one night but I have no memory of doing or saying anything she says i did. I'm way more stressed than I need to be right now and it's leaking into my dreams. I'm having nightmares about things that happened years ago and I just want to forget them. that was the whole point but they keep coming back, nagging at me to remember them when I really don't want to, I don't need this with exams so close. I can't sleep out of fear of what I'll remember but if I don't I can't work at school. I just want to be a fucking person for once. Not someone with so much baggage who's starting to go a little insane with all the emotions I'm bottling up. So yes i explode at stupid things that really aren't as major as I make them sound but it feels like that by the time I explode.

I just want to be normal, have a family, have a love life, have a home.. Be a person and not someone to project onto whenever you feel the need to.
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Current Mood: depresseddepressed